Laugh Your Heart Out with Our Unforgettable SEX Jokes!

The way I miss sex
I even feel jealous when I put a key in a padlock.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

—Lo mejor del sexo son los abrazos de después.
—Tú no has follado, ¿a que no?
—No. Pero me lo imagino.

If being sexy was a crime,
I’d be arrested.
Then released for lack of evidence..

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I’m so happy, because I live at number 67, so it’s not too far to walk home afterwards. AND it’s the same side of the street. I don’t even have to cross the road!

“You'll be fine" the surgeon said after examining my mate Dave’s wife Julie.
"But" Julie asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"
The surgeon paused, his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
All of a sudden Julie became alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?” she said
“Yes, you'll be fine” he replied “It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Sangfroid is not saying "carry on" when you catch your wife cheating.
Sangfroid is when the husband of the woman you're having sex with says, "Carry on," and so you do.

What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?
An oxymormon.

What cums after sex?
My wife.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

A NAKED BISEXUAL POLAR BEAR WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER IS A BARE BIPOLAR BI POLAR BEAR

My grandad used to enjoy sex at 97.

He lived at 93, so it wasn't too far for him to walk home.!!

The sexual position formerly known as 69, is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up...

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex… I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

What do you call a homosexual nun?

Nun the les.

Said to my mate, i saw this couple in London having sex on the common,

he said Clapham ??, i said they didn't need any fucking encouragement!!!!!!!

Lately I'm jogging wearing flip flops, just because I miss the sound of having sex.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom ...... It makes the girlfriend look like she's moving during sex !!

Kinda sexy how you put those handcuffs on me. Will I need a safe word?
Cop: WTF is wrong with you.

I was talking to taxi driver who says he's against same sex marriage.
He's been having the same sex with his wife for 30 yrs.

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

Tried erotic suffocation on the girlfriend the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it;
She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!

My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I went and got drunk.

3 necrophilliacs where talking About how long they prefer a person to be dead before they have sex with them. 1st guy," I like them to be fresh dead, yes." 2nd guy, " I like them 3 days dead, just stinking real bad." 3rd guy says, " I prefer 3 weeks dead." "Why?"
the other 2 exclaim. "Because no matter where I poke, I get penetration!

A man's wife hits him across the head.He says "What's that for?"She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it".Quick as a flash he says "that's the name of a horse i bet on today, you silly cow"she apologizes.A week later she hits him with a frying pan!He say's, "what the fuck was that for?".She replies. "Your fuckin horse phoned this morning !

My girlfriends just complained to me in bed tonight after having sex that I've got no morals...
I said ........
"Shhhh, you'll wake my wife and kids up.!!!!!"

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! - All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire business man, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get £2000 a week allowance, you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 pence ???!!"

A father and son are watching TV together when a sex scene comes on.
'Well son, time for bed now' the father says
'But Dad, I'm 15 now' the son complains
The father replies 'I don't care how old you are you are not watching me masturbate'

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand ?

My wife greeted me on the doorstep this morning wearing a sexy see thru negligee !!!

I wouldn't of normally minded but she was just fucking coming home !!

Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.
I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.!!!

A young lady went to the doctor for a physical.
Afterwards, the doctor said, "You're in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees."
The woman replied, "Oh, those are carpet burns from having sex doggie-style."
The doctor asked, "Don't you know any other positions?"
She answered, "Yeah, but my dog doesn't!"

If sex with three people is a threesome and sex with four people is a foursome, now you know why everybody calls you handsome!

I just bumped into my sexy neighbour.
She said, "How's your little one, getting big I expect?"I said, "Yep, it sure is bulging, it must be the tight tops and short denim skirt your wearing"

- Why documentation is like sex?
- Every programmer want it, very few have it.

My wife told me she wished I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man.
She laughed when I said I do.
Then I told her to look in the closet.

What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals having oral sex!

The young couple next door to me are making a sex tape , only they don't know it yet.