Twisted Humor: Sick Bastards Jokes for the Bold and Fearless.

Senior Dr : Why did you have sex with her?
Trainee Dr: She was lying there naked....what was I supposed to do?
Senior Dr: The autopsy! You were supposed to perform the autopsy!

Alcohol free beer. Like going down on your sister. Tastes the same but it's not right

If autocorrect changes ur fuck to duck, it’s alright.. it’s still foul language.

Wife said, where's the nut dish?
I replied, your talking out of it

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic.

Maybe they just want each other to shut up ?

Was out with the new girlfriend when a mouse jumps out of nowhere, to impress her I bricked the little fucker
I'm now single.
And banned from Disneyland.

I fisted a Ventriloquist once to see how he liked it..

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested? WTF?

2 paedos on the beach. One says to the other "can you get out of my s#n".

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table I felt my knees go weak my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies.
That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass.

Why do women skydivers wear jockstraps? So they don't whistle on the way down....

I've donated my sperm to the lesbian couple across the road and I'm sure the baby will be special.
It is hand made after all.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot.

I admire my dog for having the confidence to poop in public.

There’s never a bath and a toaster when you need one.

So happy to be married, I hated all those questions after 1-night stands. Who are you, where am I, why am I tied up?

I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but... I decided to sit on it for a while.

I had hoped adulthood would have involved more anal probes by aliens and a lot fewer by medical doctors.

It was National no bra day today but i knew it was going to be a flop due to the lack of support.

How do you make a door laugh?

Tickle its knob.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway

You look so peaceful when you’re sleeping. These night vision binoculars were worth every penny.

During a home improvement project
my wife said she thought we should try a 3 way switch.
Let’s just say there was a misunderstanding.

Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

What is the thing that you keep on looking for, but when you find it, you throw it away?
A booger.

Can anyone tell me if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe?

Pete the serial flasher has decided not to retire.

Says he's going to stick it out for another year.

Her lips said to stop ogling her body, but that’s not what har ass ment.

Home alone! You know what that means? Porn with volume!

When I dunk my cookies, I think about you.

And hold them under until the bubbles stop.

I met the customs officer who claims he invented the cavity search or at least had a hand in it.

He died doing what he loved, asking a wheelchair user if they have a license for that thing.

I filled out my jury selection acceptance form with green and red crayons...and they just very politely sent me home.

- What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?
- Bus shelters.

I have a leg less dog named cigarette. Every morning I take him out for a drag.

Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves.

Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.

"OMG! Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"
"Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."

I don’t like it when you write someone a letter and they don’t even bother to reply so you have to keep the hostage.

My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.

She said she liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on her window, it's all screaming and shit.