Twisted Humor: Sick Bastards Jokes for the Bold and Fearless.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing...Watch you smile while you're sleeping..."

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

When my wife and I first started going out, she made me very self conscious about my body odour, she would spray me with perfume when ever I went to kiss her. Not sure which brand it was , but it was very strong and had a peppery smell.

I used to file my nails but then thought whats the use of keeping them.

I took a leek at the Farmer's Market.
People were pissed.

I’m sick of being single.
I’m going to a funeral tomorrow!

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I tried to make a song with the cranberries but the lead singer is now a *zombie*.

*Kid in a wheelchair makes a joke*

Me: 'You should become a stand-up comedian'

"Do you ever think of me?"
"Yes, but I hate to tell you what."

She told me she felt empty inside, so I got her pregnant.

Who hides in the bathroom at parties?
The party pooper!

I've just accidentally sent a naked photo of myself to everyone in my address book...
Not only is it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps...

<Girl goes to eye doctor>
<Doctor comes in>
Doctor: I have your results here
Girl: Can I see them?
Doctor: Probably not...

How do blind skydivers know they are close to the ground ?
Their dogs lead goes slack.

What do you want to hear in church but not a Mexican prison?

Jesus loves you!

Old McDonald had napalm EIEI ...oh

There's a lot of things people didn't appreciate about school till much later in life - like being caned by a middle-aged woman.

Is it wrong that I’ve already figured out in which order I would eat my friends in the event of an apocalypse?

I had a camera inserted internally today.
It was pretty uncomfortable, but fair play, I was rude to the wedding photographer…

What kind of shoes does a kidnapper wear?
White vans.

*pulls shirt back down*
I guess I don't understand what a flash mob actually is.

I finally found out how to make a woman go Mmmmmmmmmmmm all through the night ........................

I used Duct tape !!

I left hospital absolutely shattered. Pulling the plug on my mother-in-law who lived with us for the past 15 years was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to wrestle my wife, two doctors, a nurse and a security guy.

My one -legged daughter was so excited. It was her first day on her new job at I Hop!

I'm posing nude for an art class.
No one asked me to.
I think they're making ceramic bowls.

I saw my ex this evening , to make a long story short
i was arrested .
Apparently i was only supposed to
I D the body not fuck it.

I told my friend how I found a woman tied to railway lines, i untied her and made love to her all day, my friend asked if I got a blow job, no I told him, I couldn’t find the head...

What's white, yellow, green, yellow, white?
Answer: A buttered frog sandwich.

Prince Philip is at the pearly gates, he is greeted by Diana, oh Diana what a beautiful halo you have. Diana replied "oh fuck off Philip, it's a steering wheel".

Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.

Some folks play fetch with their cat!!
It's all fun and games for the dog, but I feel so bad for the kitty.

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor.
I asked her, “Why? What’s the appeal?”
She replied, “Pwobabwy the financial secuwity.”

I saw a man wearing really short shorts, and thought that was rather ballsy of him.

Did you know that all zodiac signs have a specific haircut ?....

.......Well, except Cancer.

I sleep better naked.
Why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

LICK HER C SECTION SCAR & WHISPER
“I LOVE YOU MY LIL ZIPLOCK BAG”.

Mars is my favorite planet.
Uranus is number two.

How do you turn a duck into a pop star?
Stick it in the microwave till it's Bill Withers.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon.